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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Hung up on Madonna

Karen asked me how Madonna was. This is from an e-mail I sent to her.

The stage was amazing--a huge disco ball came down from the rafters to start the show. The disco ball split open eight ways and it was filled with tiny blinking blue and pink and white lights. Madge emerged from it a la Venus on the half shell in an amazing riding outfit amid huge projections of herself in riding gear (check out this photoshoot if you want to see what I mean).

Now I shall provide a look into Madge's psyche throughout the course of the show:

"I think I'm ready to start now! I knew you'd wait 45 minutes with no AC for me!

Look at me! Look how versatile I am! Don't I look awesome in riding gear? Don't I look fantastic for being--Jesus Christ!--almost 50 years old? A disco ball AND riding gear! Can you believe it? I am so clever, with these combinations of disparate elements.

Now look at my x-rays from when I broke my collarbone! Ouch!

I know a lot of you in the audience are the gay, and I know that because you are the gay, you probably know of that Kylie Minogue person. Perhaps some of you have even seen her concert DVDs too. But please ignore the fact that I'm mashing up one of MY songs with "I Feel Love" which Kylie did, like, four years ago. Just...forget she did that.

Look, I'm riding a carousel horse to 'Like a Virgin!' Watch me work this pole! WATCH ME WORK IT!!!

Now, some dancers will tell little stories about themselves about gangbanging, and cutting, and domestic abuse, but it's really the part where I change outfits.

Now's the time for the disco crucifix! Yes! Isn't it just the shit? I know you were looking forward to seeing it.

Now let's blow the shofar! Hey, listen, any day I am in your town is a high holy day, bitch.

Now I'll show you a video for a remix of a song I've already done this evening. Don't I look good in a leotard and big diamond jewelry?

I'm back now! I had to change my outfit again! Isn't my jacket cool? I think it's very Ziggy Stardust. Now I'm going to sing a song with a guitar! LOOK AT ME PLAY THE GUITAR! LOOK HOW GOOD I AM AT THESE SAME THREE BAR CHORDS, GODDAMMIT!

Let me sit down on this step and chat with my fans. Stop answering questions with "WOOOOOO!" "Woooo!" is not an answer! You have to be specific!

I had to change my outfit again. Now look! I'm in the white suit from Saturday Night Fever, doing the dance that John Travolta does! My dancers are on rollerskates! No, it's not gimmicky! I AM DOING IT--THAT IS WHY IT IS NOT GIMMICKY, GODDAMMIT!

Rrrrrrip! Ooh, I'm naughty--I have on breakaway pants! I'm actually wearing a white jumpsuit with purple sparkles! Now I'm going to steal from James Brown and pretend to die on stage!

I'm dead.

Surprise, I'm not dead! Look at my awesome cape! It says 'Dancing Queen' on it and there's flashing lights inside!

Incidentally, haven't I been wearing fantastic boots this whole show?

OK, I'm almost done so you better get up off your ass and dance for my last big number. I'll be right back after I change my outfit one last time.

Last outfit! I'm really working my ass off! Now I'm going to do my big single! Everybody dance! Dance now! 'Night, everybody! Buy lots of shit at the merch booths! I have two kids to put through college!"

It was pretty great. Even though the sets were the same both nights and I was sitting pretty far from the stage, she worked HARD (although reports from around the blogosphere have said that she doesn't dance as much on this tour as she used to--no surprise there, since she is almost 50!) and made it worth the ridiculous amount of money her tickets went for. My co-workers seem to be amused by the gigantic Madge-in-fishnets-and-biting-a-riding-crop poster I bought for above my desk.


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